Well Ali....That was fabulous!! I cannot top it by a long shot, so here's my yawner so everyone can appreciate your and Sandra's supreme yuck it up skills.
A young newlywed husband entered the neighborhood pharmacy rather sheepishly. He attempted to stroll down the aisles looking nonchalant but caught the eye of the check out clerk. Thinking he may be a shoplifter the clerk kept his eye on him as he seemed to be sneaking around the store. Looking up at aisle signs, the newlywed found the dreaded ladies only shelves but noticed two shoppers still choosing items so he circled back to the magazine rack waiting until they left. The clerk now totally suspicious was just about to leave the counter to confront him when the two shoppers came to check out. While checking out the customers, he noticed packages flying up into the air from the ladies only aisle. As soon as the last customer was checked out, he quickly ran to the aisle to confront this strange fellow in the store. "Sir, what on earth are doing?", he shouted at the newlywed. Startled and embarrassed he said to clerk, "She told me to get the ones with wings."
you surprise me!
here 's a true story..... i have four daughters.....eldest is 36....yes i was 16.
anyway she and her sister (almost 1 year apart......same age for two weeks) went with me to the store.
while there they said, " daddy?, we need something."
i said, "well, have i ever said no? go on get it."
they looked at each other and shook their heads. then pointed at me, then over to the sanitary napkins.
i rolled my eyes and said, " meet me at the counter."
when i got to the section, my god there was so many kinds and brands!
i looked over and they were at the counter waiting.
i picked up a box, held it up, and yelled out, "SUPER JUMBO?"
ok the rest is not true....
the youngest screamed and ran out to the car.
the eldest yelled back, "i'll have the soup"
Wow! not JustHank is back. I'm so happy.
Dex I thought that was a very good one. Better than the one I came up with but I said if you would then I would. It's not exactly on the "Men having to shop for female only products" topic but I was on a roll with the kids so....
Mom had her dining table decorated beautifully for Christmas dinner; all she had left to do was place the plates and napkins when she realized she had no ice for the drinks and would have to run to the corner gas station to get a bag.
She told Mary, her six year old, to hurry and finish setting the table because guests would be arriving soon. Mom was surprised to see the amount of customers there, being Christmas day, and it took her a little longer than she had thought. Before she returned home the pastor and his wife came with Sis. Joanne, the mother of the church, and her husband, Deacon Sanderson. When Mom got home she found everyone whispering and looking at her in a distasteful manner. Mom thought it was because she was not there when they arrived. So she apologized, turned towards the dining table, made a loud gasp and dropped the bag of ice as she, with a wide-eyed gaze, looked at her beautifully decorated table which had a sanitary napkin neatly placed at each plate. Mom, embarrassed, asked Mary why did you use those? Mary said you remember that time when I saw them in the bathroom and asked what they were for and you told me I would find out later that they were napkins for special occasions.
WTG Sandra -- a "twofer". I bet this situation actually happened in some household in America. The fact church elders were there makes it all the funnier. Good job.
My uncle used to tell us this story all the time but I think he made it up to gross us out. He was invited to a birthday party at my great aunt's house many, many years ago - like 45+ years. He was thirsty and asked one of my male cousins, who might have been 7 or 8 years old, to get him a glass of cool water. Now, my great aunts house was built in the 1910's, so she had a complete sink and drainage area made of enamel coated cast iron plus a bathtub with feet and the old pedestal type sink in her bathroom. The house still had iron radiators, a built in buffet and area rugs over hardwood floors. So my cousin got a glass of water and brought it back to my uncle to drink. It was cool to cold water. After my uncle downed the glass because it was warm in the second story flat, he asked my cousin to get him another glass. Again my cousin delivered a nice cold glass of water. Knowing my cousin was too small to reach the kitchen the sink, my uncle asked him who filled the glass for him. My cousin replied, "I couldn't get anyone to help me, so I got from the the toilet."
•••MaryBeth Volunteer Forum Moderator
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sun, 27 Dec 2009 06:56
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday."
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"
Remind you of anyone we all know here at iWin??
Yep! the one and only caboose22
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Wed, 30 Dec 2009 21:25
A teacher asked the little boy, who correctly answered every question on the Intelligence Test, where did all of his intelligence come from?
The little boy replied, "Well, I must have gotten it from my dad, because my mother still has all of hers."
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a local funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in a remote countryside, and he would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I got lost, and being a typical man, did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the groundscrew, who were eating lunch, but the hearst was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the edge of the open grave where I could see the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunches. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played, the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I never played before! From "Going Home" to "The Lord Is My Shepherd" to "Flowers Of The Forest". I closed the session with "Amazing Grace" and then slowly walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and removing my coat I heard one of the workman saying to another "Jeesus, Mary 'n Joseph, I've never seen nothin' like that before and I been puttin' in septic tanks fer moren' 20 years"!
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at Sun, 3 Jan 2010 11:19
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced 50% when her cell phone rang. It was a woman doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the I.C.U. The woman asked the doctor to please tell her husband where she was and that she would be there as soon as possible. As she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be the most incredible day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading for the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and ask about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you"?! "I hope you're proud of yourself"! "While you were spending the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your poor husband has been languishing alone in the intensive care unit"! "It's just as well you did finish your shopping as it's more than likely the last shopping trip you'll ever take"! "For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care, from now on HE will be your career"! The woman felt so guilty, she broke down and sobbed. The doctor chuckled and said "I'm just pulling your leg, he's dead... show me what you bought"!
and speaking of God......
A man was talking to God about His creation. He said, it would take man a million years to do what you did in 7 days. God told him what is a million years for you is just a minute for me. The man asked well what about money, is it the same? God answered, money doesn't matter to me but yes what is a million dollars to you is but a penny to me. The man thought for a moment and asked God if he answered all prayers. God said, "Yes".
Then the man asked, well will you give me one of your pennies. God said, "Ok, in just a minute"!
Speaking of math. Little Billy was a terror during math class in school. Every time the teacher would say "Now take out your math books." Little Billy would stomp his feet, yell at the top of his lungs and make rude gestures at the teacher. Everyday his mother would receive a phone call about how horrible her son was. His mother decided to send him to a private school thinking that the outcome would be different, but it wasn't. The teacher would start math class and little Billy would do the same thing. Mom received more phone calls telling her how horrible little Billy was. His mother, exasperated then sent him to a Military school thinking that it would straighten him out but still he did the same thing. With Yet her receiving even more phone calls. Finally as a last resort, she sent him to a Christian school. With absolutely no hope of anything being different she sent him off to school. When little Billy came home from school he went directly to the kitchen table and pulled out his math homework. His mother was shcocked but didn't want to say anything. She waited all night for the phone call but it never came. The next day it was the same thing. He came home and immediately did his math homework. Finally after a week she said astonished "Little Billy how come you acted out in public school, private school and military school but you are not acting out at the Christian school?" He looked at her with fear in his eyes and said "Mom when I walked in and saw that guy hanging off the Plus sign I knew they meant business."
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sun, 31 Jan 2010 12:52
Hello, troops. I have been in the hospital since Oct 23rd, so have not been around to read or respond. Have been home a couple of days, and am just grateful to be alive. Will not bore you with details, but will say that they did not expect me to live. I now have a tracheostomy(breathing tube in my neck), and go to dialysis 3x a week, due to kidney failure. But, like I said.... am very grateful to God for His intervention in the funeral arrangements!!!!
I noticed a few references to this being my thread...... this is a community thread, that just happened to have been started by me. It has taken on a life that is pretty awesome, and I am happy that everyone is enjoying it so much. I will try to catch up on my reading, and will talk and play some more as time goes by. Am still very weak, and tire out easily. Keep me in your prayers, and keep up the jokes.... laughter is one of my favorite medicines. God bless you all...Em
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Mon, 11 Jan 2010 18:03
Praise the Lord Em. I'm so happy to see you back and pray for your continued recovery. Also that God continues His intervention in the funeral arrangements.
I like this thread and am so glad you started it. I like to laugh and make others laugh.
speaking of making others laugh... there was one time I didn't like it at all.
This is a true story which my husband keeps reminding me of.
I was in a hospital in the recovery room after a 7hr. surgery that had to do with surgeons attempting to find a very small hole that was in a very deep tender part of my body (speaking of not being able to sit) and closing it. This was in 1975 before our latest technology.
You know Hospitals have all these rules and regulations and discharge criteria.
I had to have an order to get discharged from recovery.
I couldn't get meds until I was transferred to a room.
I had to have my level of consciousness and orientation checked.
So here I am, anesthesia has worn off and I am really hurting and asking for something for pain. They tell me the doctor has left and forgot the releasing order, but they called him and were waiting for his call back and I can't get any meds until I'm in my room.
Now while I lie, very upset in agonizing pain, a nurse says, "Mrs. Channel can you tell me who is the president of the United States and what city are you in?"
Gritting my teeth, I calmly and very slowly said, "I --don't --give --a darn"(clean version) then I yelled out, "and I am in.. PAIN!!"
She laughed uncontrollably while hitting on my bed which intensified the pain. I didn't like it at all.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Mon, 11 Jan 2010 19:17
I saw a topic here in the Forum "HELP WITH ENGLISH" and from my stroke of insight
I am of the opinion that the English Language is confusing.
Since there is no time like the present, I thought it was time to present the present.
The market garden was designed to produce produce.
The tear in my $500 dress caused me to shed a tear.
I decided to desert my dessert in the desert.
You are too close to the door to close it.
In terms of weight lead is in the lead.
I did not object to the object.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a
distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and TV 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail.
What can I do?
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. Html and try to downloadTears
6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program
that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control
of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sun, 31 Jan 2010 09:16
momaie Sun, 31 Jan 2010 09:13
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a
distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5
I have that program. I solved the problem by installing an external tool which allows the execution of external commands.
You just write them to your shell scripts and they are instantly performed. It is a great file manipulation program. It doubles as a
command line interface which allows you to have the Boyfriend 5.0 driver to interact with Husband 1.0 driver. And a bonus for
just in case, there is a "Remind Me Again" button.
and speaking of Husbands and Wives.....
I got this one from a friend
After retiring, I went to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age...
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'No, just unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about
my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' I know what you're thinking. Tis tis tis
This is a CLEAN joke.
He had a prosthetic leg.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Thu, 4 Feb 2010 11:30
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "My dear child why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen in to the water and she needed it to help her husband
making a living for their family. The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?"
the Lord asked. The seamstress replied "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubbies.
"Is this your thimble?" the lord asked. Again the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. "Yes." the seamstress replied. The Lord was pleased with the womans honesty and gave her all
three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank when he fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the woman cried out the Lord again appeared and asked
her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with
George Clooney. "Is this your Husband? The Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have
come up with Bradd Pitt. Then if I said no to him you would have come up with my husband. Had I said yes you would have given me all
three. Lord, I am not in the best of health and would not have been able to take care of all three husbands, that's why I said yes to George
Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason,
and in the best of interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. Signed all women
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Thu, 4 Feb 2010 11:28
you missed me? that's very nice of you to say. i am not suposed to say where i am (but i want to). i am having a great time. maybe we can make a game .... "where in the world is justhank?" ahhh .... never mind. how about a joke instead?
let's see .............
............... clean joke ..................... i'm running out of those kind..........................
how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
one, but the bulb must want to change.
how many female vocalist does it take to change a light bulb?
one, she just holds it up in the air and the world revolves around her.
a man tells a rabi, "my wife is trying to poison me!"
rabi says, "i'll talk to her?"
after over 8 hours, he returns and says, "Take the poison!!!"
Oh yeah justhank you are missed but forget about "where in the world is justhank?" What I want to know about is ........... not Justhank (anymore) if I'm not being too personal. Nah, I want to know anyway.
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at Sat, 6 Feb 2010 20:26
Sanchan, i think you know where i am. your message about "seeing" was very clever. i dare not say more. except that i am very happy. actually i can say one more thing. right now (at the time of this writing) i am in Manila, Phillipines, for two weeks. then back to my mystery location (outside the USA).
Goofyduck1, i have explained this once before (if you look in the previous postings of this thread), but i'll try to say it again.....no i'll go find it and repost it. hold on.
see page 6 (nov. 14, 2009).......... here is an excerpt of my explaination
ok,.... sandchan, you almost got me confused. so let me clarify things.
i AM not justhank, i am NOT justhank. you see the difference? let me say it like this, justhank IS not justhank.
I met the most wonderful woman and now i an NOT justhank any more i AM not justhank. what is so hard to understand?
i hope that helps.
hey we forgot to tell a joke. lets see.................
this is not a racial slur. it's about a type of relative ......who happens to be religious
how many jewish grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?
This is one that my brother told me.
Ok, there is a boy, he goes up to his teacher and asks "Can I go to the bathroom?"
and the teacher says "Only if you say the full alphabet."
"Ok. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z."
Then the teacher asks, "Wait you forgot the P."
"No I didn't. It's running down my pants."
a little girl sits on her grandpas lap and says "Grandpa talk like a frog." Grandpa replies "I don't want to right now." Little girl pleads "come on grandpa please talk like a frog?" Grand pa looks down and says" I don't want to right now, why do you want me to talk like a frog anyway?" Little girl replies "Cause mom says when grandpa croaks we go to Disneyland"
I know where ............. not justhank is. It's a long story but I'll make it short.--- The End.
Did you get that?
Ok the long version then.
The One Mirror There was once a magic mirror in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth one will be granted one wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* one is instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen by anyone again.
A redhead of questionable looks stands before the mirror and says, "I think I need to change the way I look. The mirror grants her one wish.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I need to lose weight. The mirror grants her one wish. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*
................ not Justhank stands before the mirror and says, I'm Justhank...*POOF*.... not anymore
well I thought it was funny
ediegirl. I hadn't heard that rope joke but I saw one.
Have you seen this rope joke?
"CROSS OVER IT EVEN IF IT ISN'T THERE."
Now I call that 'Matter over Mind'
There is one I heard. "The End of the Rope Joke"
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that was hanging down a cliff. One was a professional speech writer. They all decided that just one person would have to let go to keep the rope from breaking or everyone would die. No one could decide who should let go. The speech writer thought a little and finally said, "I'll let go." And after a really touching speech about letting go being one of the hardest lessons in life, all of the others started clapping.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway on 280 Interstate, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
sandchan, that was a good one. but you know what they say about "freeway" jokes they 're all over town.
here's a clue as to where i am ............ where i am it's now 9:30pm march 10th (wednesday), in new york (good old USA) its march 10th wednesday, 8:30am "ba san shi" ... almost nobody speaks english.
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