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What's your favorite CLEAN joke???
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Master_Gamer1
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Messages: 24 , Offline
emcall wrote:This DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks to the rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." and points to the location. The DEA officer gets mad, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government behind me." Reaching into his rear pocket, he pulls out his badge and proudly flashes it at the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, no questions asked or answers given. Now step aside, and let me do my job."

The rancher nods politely, moves aside, and goes back to his chores. A short time later, the rancher hears loud screams and goes to see what is wrong. He arrives at the previously mentioned field just in time to see the DEA officer running for his life, barely ahead of the rancher's biggest, meanest bull. Quickly gaining ground on the officer, the bull is about to gore him at any second. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE, YOUR BADGE... SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"


rofl, I thought this was funny I just loved it very good joke
 
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
justhank wrote:
here's a clue as to where i am ............ where i am it's now 9:30pm march 10th (wednesday), in new york (good old USA) its march 10th wednesday, 8:30am "ba san shi" ... almost nobody speaks english.

Hey JustHank while you are in Las Lenas you must try the Valle Hermoso excursion and discover a little piece of heaven in its beautiful lagoon and enjoy a tasty goat lunch.  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sun, 14 Mar 2010 03:02

SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
"YOUR BADGE, YOUR BADGE... SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!" Good one Emcall. Guess he hadn't heard the expression "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!"
Speaking of my home state(TX) and ranches....

A widow needing help with her ranch hired this guy. He was a very hard worker who put in long hours and knew a great deal about ranching.
To reward his good work she let him have some time off to go into town for some fun.
Late that night he returned to the ranch house.Halfway to his room he saw the woman standing next to the fireplace with a glass of wine in her hand. She called him over.
She then told him to 'come closer' as she put her wine glass down.
Then she said, 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off!'
While trembling, he complied with her request and took the blouse off.
'Now take my boots off,' she said.
'Now my socks.' The hired hand again complied but was getting more and more embarrassed.
'Now take off my skirt. He did as told and unzipped and removed the skirt.
'Now take off my bra. And, again he did as he was told.
'Now take off my panties. He slowly pulled them down and threw them on the floor with the rest of the clothes.
She fixed him with a very determined look and said 'If you ever wear my clothes again I'll fired you!'

Ok who has the naughty mind, GOT CHA!  
justhank
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Messages: 188 , Offline
emcall,

obviously you've never been unable to breathe, nausious and wishing you had decided to wear your athtletic cup! i'd rather have a head ache ANYDAY.
oh and "xie xie" ...........you are correct.


and speaking of things cattle ................ "when the chips are down, you better watch your step"

And here we are with that pesky little PG thing Hank - deleted the last of your comment - you know the one - Goofyduck1, Volunteer Moderator  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Mon, 15 Mar 2010 00:49

stitch1126
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Messages: 5 , Offline
i'm going to be posting a joke every day all spring break....
...starting tomorow
jk, ok here i go.....
theres a mom, a dad, a daughter, and a son
the mother went away for 3 days on a buisness trip
when she came home the rest of the family was having breakfast together so she sat down and joined them
the son walked up to the dad and said "dad, i need money for a yearbook at school today"
the dad reaches in his wallet and gives him the money
the daughter says "i need some lunch money"
the dad gives her the money
the dad turns to the mom and says "see, i can handle things on my own"
the mom replies "great honey, but you do know it's saturday, right?"


 
justhank
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Messages: 188 , Offline
goofyduck1, i won't argue, but...... i did look up the spelling of the plural form of calf and that's what i wrote. anyway i will be more carefull. although some of these jokes are pushing the envelope quite a bit. not that i'm complaining!

hey how about former President Bush quotes .......................

on the subject of the english language: ..................."if it was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for us."

or ........................... "They misunderestimated me."

...................................... "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004


........................................... "They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."

and, .................... "I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." --George W. Bush, in response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000


....................... not justhank
 
jbsupafan
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Messages: 11 , Offline
My favorite joke ever is what I call, "the muffin joke,"

ok.....here it is.

So, there are two muffins in an oven, one says, "OMNJ, we're baking,"

The other one goes, "OMNJ, a talking muffin,"\

hahahahahahaha.........soooooooooooooooooo funny!!!!!!  
stitch1126
[Avatar]
Messages: 5 , Offline
k daily joke

a panda walks into a bar, eats a sandwitch, shoots the guy sitting next to him, and leaves
a woman says "my word, aren't you going to call the police?!"
the bar-tender replies, "ma'am, he's a panda, it's what he does. he eats, shoots, and leaves"

that always used to crack me up when i was little  
stitch1126
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Messages: 5 , Offline
a man walks into a bar with a stack of papers
he sets them down and begins to drink
the piano players goat sneaks up ang eats the stack of papers
the man, outraged, stomped over to the piano
"do you know a your goat ate my papers?!"
"no, but if you hum a few bars, i'll fake it"  
stitch1126
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Messages: 5 , Offline
whats the difference between a lion and a loaf of bread
if you dont know, then i'll make my own sandwitch  
stitch1126
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Messages: 5 , Offline
how do you catch a polar bear?
you cut a hole in the ice
then place peas around it
when the polar bear comes to take a pea
you kick him in the ice-hole  
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "you used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"  
SandChan
[Avatar]
Messages: 284 , Offline
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
TRY it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document.
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.  
joanietreb
[Avatar]
Messages: 538 , Offline
Sand-rofl

I'll bite

$$$$

hehe  
justhank
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Messages: 188 , Offline
ok Sandchan, and everyone who cares to participate,

i can show you how to double your money .... no risk, gauranteed. you will need some paper money of your own. the more you start with the better, of course. Got it yet? come on hurry up! ok? now follow these instructions.
1. hold your bills (paper money , not utility bills. or you'll be sorry) in your left hand. in a nice flat stack.
2. take one end of your stack and fold it over on to the opposite end.

see? you have just doubled your money. now how about you send me half? or even "just" $1 ........ oh, i see how things are. i share some honest financial advise ....... not that i expected anything for it .....BUT THEN I DIDN"T GET ANYTHING!

fine (you try and help a brother (or sista) out and see ..... ) no love for the justhankster.

................... Justhank (again)  
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
I heard you can also double your money by looking at it in a mirror. Ok justhank (again) stop your whimpering. I'll give you half.
Just let me find my scissors.  
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
This is a Visual Joke. Click image to see it here  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Thu, 1 Apr 2010 00:42

justhank
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Messages: 188 , Offline
Darn it! Sandchan you got me. i fell for it.


................... justhank (again)  
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
I thought that justhank comment would lead you all off the right path.
To all my gullible friends who didn't catch that.I'd just like to say GOT CHA!
 

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Fri, 2 Apr 2010 21:01

SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
Wrong E-mail Address
A couple from Minnesota decided to go to Florida to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for them to travel together. So, the husband left on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

On the computer screen was the mail from the husband at the hotel in Florida, which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!  
sallystowe
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Messages: 12 , Offline
why did mrs tomatoes face turn red?
she saw mr gree pea
lol
 
nia2795
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Messages: 205 , Offline
These jokes are a HOOT! OMG... Thanks for the laughs!!!!!  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Fri, 23 Apr 2010 09:44

SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
Another letter from Grandma; she's in her 80's and still drives and writes long letters.
She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the choir performance and prayer meeting, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked, Mikie, you know my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
Mikie burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
That's my Granny  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
Sand... you are crazy, girl. Granny is clueless, isn't she. Or... we could just say that she has her own perspective on life. What a hoot. You gave me a good chuckle tonight. Instead of wishing you a Hawaiian good luck, I'll just say God Bless. Keep the funnies coming!!  
smaes
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Messages: 6 , Offline
why did the first koloa fall out of the tree ? it was dead
why did the second koloa fall out of the tree ?he was hit by the first one
why did the third koloa fall out of the tree? he thought it was a game  
marykruger
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Messages: 258 , Offline
Boo Hoo

In the penthouse

Nothing to do

iWin this poem is for you  
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
Alrighty then marykruger you can ride with my Granny.


Grandma still having driving problems. This time she had three of her elderly friends with her. She got pulled over by a Police Officer for driving to slow. The Officer approached the car and told Grandma that driving slower than the speed limit can be a danger to other drivers. Grandma proudly said "I always drive the speed limit exactly, just as I was when you stoped me...Twenty-two miles an hour!" The Officer, smiling, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. Grandma thanked him for pointing that out to her and started to pull off.
The Officer notices that the three passengers were wide eyed and shivering. So he stopped Grandma from leaving and asked, Are the three ladies OK? They seem awfully shaken and they haven't uttered a word.
Grandma said, Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
That's my Granny  
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
I talked to Granny last night. I told her I was having trouble sleeping. She said yeah me too. I either can't go to sleep or I just stay awake. I said, huh
She said, I'm usually up from 1 a.m. to 5 a.m. and fall asleep around 2 a.m. I just said bye Granny talk to you later  
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
Husband's Great Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, the wife was overcome with emotion at her husband's sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
The sign reads: CAUTION Use this door for entering and exiting only!

This has got to be funny because we can't really be that stupid?
SIGNS
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.

In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

On a highway: Take notice: this road is impassable when this sign is under water.

Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person arriving at this point will be drowned.

Sign at a railroad station Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone doing so will be prosecuted.

In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Outside a disco: This is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. (This one is funny.)

LABEL INSTRUCTIONS
Actual instruction label on Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning:contains nuts

Actual instruction label on a Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness

Actual instruction label on a string of Christmas lights:For indoor or outdoor use only  
justhank
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Messages: 188 , Offline
your killing me! keep it up.


ok here's one

and i don't want to hear any one crying about it it's not about religion.

old jewish man says" i've been married 25 years to my wife, haven't spoken to her since we got married. i didn't want to interupt?!."
notice the"?!" that's the yiddish accent ....you know.



........................................................ justhank (& that's ok)  
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
Hey there justhank! I really enjoy when you come by; wish it was more often. I miss your humor coupled with the creative use of your intellect.(& that's ok)

Speaking of intellect, actually the lack of....

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees"
"Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?"
"Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out backa the house thar."
"No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer.
"No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's"
"You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge."
"Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh John Deer in!"
The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?"
"No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin."
Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Mon, 28 Jun 2010 00:55

jbsupafan
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Messages: 11 , Offline
OK.... most people think this is a pretty lame joke and not many people laugh at it. They usually just laugh at me cracking up. If you think this joke isn't funny, just picture a person laughing hysterically at a joke thats only funny to them.

Here's the joke:
There were two muffins in an oven.
One says," Oh my God, were baking!"
The other one says, "Oh my God, a TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

So, who liked it? I was laughing as I wrote it!

-mrsnickj xoxo
 
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
jbsupafan I can't say I laughed at the joke, but you sure did make me laugh. I was laughing before I read the joke. Picturing you laguhing hysterically at this is very funny. Thanks for the laugh.  
MarvinNut
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Messages: 6 , Offline
A duck goes into a bar, hops up on a stool looks at the bartender and asks "do you have any grapes?' Bartender says "no." Duck hops down and leaves. Next day, same thing, duck hops up on the stool and asks "do you have any grapes?' Bartender is now annoyed and growls, "NO." Duck leaves. Next day, the duck comes back, hops up on the barstool. The bartender points at the duck and yells, "You ask me for any grapes and I am going to nail your feet to the bar!" Duck looks at him, jumps down and leaves. The next day, the duck slowly puts his head in the door, and looks at the bartender. Very slowly he approaches and timidly asked "Do you have any nails?" Bartender says "of course not!" Duck smiles hops on the stool and asks "do you have any grapes?"  
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
Cute story. Though now I'm going to spend a long time wondering why the duck wanted grapes...  
lovestuff
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Messages: 1 , Offline
hi granny how are u , u look happy all day  
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
lovestuff wrote:hi granny how are u , u look happy all day


I think I'm missing the joke here - or did you mean to post a message to your granny on her hotel room wall, lovestuff?  
justhank
[Avatar]
Messages: 188 , Offline
lovestuff,

i get it! that's great. it took me a while to figure it out. i'm still laughing ........ it's going to be hard to top that one.
for those who can't see it, try reading it in a mirror. it's a stroke of genious. but watch out lovestuff , the moderators would edit this if they could figure it out.

mean while for the less mentally gifted ..............

why do birds fly south for the winter? ....................................................................................... it's too far to walk.  
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 906 , Offline
justhank wrote:lovestuff,

i get it! that's great. it took me a while to figure it out. i'm still laughing ........ it's going to be hard to top that one.
for those who can't see it, try reading it in a mirror. it's a stroke of genious. but watch out lovestuff , the moderators would edit this if they could figure it out.


Nice try, Hank!

You just want the mods to spend ages scrutinising lovestuff's post for hidden meanings so you can get away with a few more creative versions of your sign-in name.  
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 168 , Offline
shhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Dinismurf, i guess that means you couldn't figure it out. did you try upside down? well at least you tried (i know you did). that justhank he is something huh? when i grow up ..............


incase you're wondering i'm not justhank, i'm notjusthank. but if i could i would be

here's my joke............................
why do men cheat on women? .............................................................

....................................................................................................................................... women.

ok , how do you keep a woman in suspense? ...........................................................................................

........................................................................................................................  

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at Fri, 10 Sep 2010 23:42

Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
Now I'm confused. I thought if justhank could be not just hank, he would be. But now it seems that notjusthank would rather be justhank...  
SandChan
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Messages: 284 , Offline
notjusthank I am LOL and ROFL and LMBO. Those 2 jokes are extremely amusing.
Ha ha, Dinismurf and Justhank. Your posts about lovestuff's post awakens memories of this mirrored transmogrification.
[

Dinismurf you did right referring to him as Hank because sometime he is not justhank and is notjusthank and sometime he is justhank. It depends on a woman. It's a long story, but he is always Hank.

Speaking of mirrors, some girls were using lipstick in the school bathroom. They put on their lipstick and would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of lip prints all over the mirror. Every night, the custodian would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back thinking it was a funny joke. Finally the custodian decided that something had to be done.He got permission from the principal to have all the girls gather in the bathroom.
There he explained to them that to clean the mirrors every night of all the lip prints was causing a major problem. .
He told them he wanted them to know how difficult it had been for him to clean the mirrors. He said I'll show you how much effort is required.

Then he took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.  
SandChan
[Avatar]
Messages: 284 , Offline
This was funny to me and I want to share.
Today is my birthday and bobcatt2 came to a party that Lowdown120 (Clara) had for me here at the Hotel. After the party I visited bobcatt2's room to thank her for coming and this is what I saw.

This is the message she left for me,
"I fell down & I can't get up! (Hic up) I mean I got up & I can't fall down!! LOL Clara can sure make some good toddy's!"
I'm still laughing.  
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 168 , Offline
i like that red shirt both of them  
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 906 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:i like that red shirt both of them


Yes. It took me a while to work out that it really was a reflection.

Not sure if it was the clever embroidery you liked though, Hank, or the clingy fabric...  
joanietreb
[Avatar]
Messages: 538 , Offline
Good one SandChan-the mirror story really is a CLEAN joke

Dini, do you think Henry is into sewing?  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sun, 12 Sep 2010 13:29

Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
joanietreb wrote:Dini, do you think Henry is into sewing?


LOL, I suspect he does have nimble fingers, but I'm not sure he uses them for needlework.  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
Back to the chick in the mirror.....
It appears that "Hate" is the word actually embroidered on the shirt, so that when she wears it, all you can see is hate. You can only see the love if you happen to see it in a reflection. Why would she choose to wear hate and not love? Most of us want to show the love and hide the hate...right?!? Just a thought.  
joanietreb
[Avatar]
Messages: 538 , Offline
emcall wrote:Back to the chick in the mirror.....
It appears that "Hate" is the word actually embroidered on the shirt, so that when she wears it, all you can see is hate. You can only see the love if you happen to see it in a reflection. Why would she choose to wear hate and not love? Most of us want to show the love and hide the hate...right?!? Just a thought.

I'm hoping that her outward appearance is a youthful expression, trying to follow the "mean girls"; and she really has love in her heart.

And color me stupid, i still don't get lovestuff's post ~ where's the "walkthrough"  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Mon, 13 Sep 2010 01:32

 
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