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What's your favorite CLEAN joke???
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Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today!' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
Ha ha, not a dry seat in the house.
That reminds me of an oldie...
What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog with one leg lifted?
Shake hands, of course.  
Poseidona
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Messages: 13 , Offline
a shoelace walked into a bar. the bar tender said "we dont serve your kind!" the string,depressed,walked outside, tied himself up,and ripped off his anglets. he walked in again and the bartender exclaimed "HEY! aint you dat shoelace that just leaft? the shoelace replied " 'Fraid Knot"  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sat, 2 Jul 2011 15:55

christiexoxo
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Messages: 2 , Offline
what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?...............where's my tractor?  
GoofyGirl123
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Messages: 2 , Offline
Ok,this one some of the boys mite lik.......


What Do u call batman and robin after they get hit by a bus?

Flatman and Ribbon!



Looooolz  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
That's funny, Goofy.... never heard it before. Got anymore???  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
speaking of bats .....................
Did you know that a baby bat can drink milk upside down at birth ............right off the bat!  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
I have a good one but it has a religious theme so I'll let it be. But that was good, NJH. *waving*  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
so what's wrong with religion?  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
Henry, Henry, Henry... it upsets people! Look for a PM, though.  
CorineB99
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Messages: 4 , Offline
Why does an Arab carry a piece of sandpaper through the desert?

Road map.  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
*chortle*

Here's one ESPECIALLY for notjusthank:

Hey, Hank, did you hear the one about the guy who cooled himself down to absolute zero?

Don't worry, he's 0K.  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sun, 4 Sep 2011 19:02

lidassis
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Messages: 2 , Offline
My son's favorite in his early years -- I still like it

Do you know that God built us upside down?

Our noses run and our feet smell!!  
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
Griddlebone wrote:*chortle*

Here's one ESPECIALLY for notjusthank:

Hey, Hank, did you hear the one about the guy who cooled himself down to absolute zero?

Don't worry, he's 0K.


APPLAUSE!  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
i don't get it ...............................ARE YOU KIDDING!

that was a good one!

i did hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident doctors said he will be all right.


how about the guy who was in denial about his addiction to brake fluid ................. he said he could stop anytime!  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
Griddlebone wrote:*chortle*

Here's one ESPECIALLY for notjusthank:

Hey, Hank, did you hear the one about the guy who cooled himself down to absolute zero?

Don't worry, he's 0K.


Hey, Grid... with all the heat we've been having, I would love to be OK.
Man, I would just be so happy, and too coooool to touch.

And BTW......... glad you're back H. Hugs to G.  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
glad to be back, thank you!


Griddlebone ..... I had posted a variation of that joke (the one you pm'd me) on one of these threads and it was fine.

for example....(here i go again)

when asked for his favorite football cheer, an old jewish man stood up and yelled. "Get the Quarterback!"

when asked how he had gone 30 years of marriage without an arguement the same man said, "I didn't want to interupt?!"  

This message was edited 3 times. Last update was at Tue, 6 Sep 2011 20:28

Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
In today's business news, it's reported that sales of hummus and salsa are off by 45%. Officially, it's a double dip recession.  
Susweka
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Messages: 265 , Offline
now that's funny grid~
btw~i posted a joke in " I wanna b a __ " re "isn't that nice" in response to joanie~
 

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Fri, 9 Sep 2011 09:42

notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
a guy walks into a bar and sits next to a blonde woman and starts watching the 11 o'clock news on the tv. there's a man about to jump off a ledge of high rise building.
the blonde asks, "do you think he'll jump?"
"absolutely, i'll bet you ten bucks", says the man
"your on", says the woman
just then the man on the ledge jumps.
the man at the bar says, "I can't take your money, i saw the news two hours ago and saw him jump"
the woman answers, "So did i, but i didn't think he'd do it again!"  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Wed, 14 Sep 2011 06:47

joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
Well, bless her little blonde heart  
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
joanietreb wrote:Well, bless her little blonde heart


Did you change your hair colour just to appear in this thread now without being tarred by the same blonde brush?  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
Actually, those are red feathers covering my blonde roots  
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
Oh, sorry. Feathers! Did not realise you were so on-trend!  
0609005820
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Messages: 1 , Offline
the chicken want to croos the road to go to the fram  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sat, 1 Oct 2011 10:27

skip517
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Messages: 38 , Offline
My wife told me this one.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman! How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? You just met her!'

'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
Apologies to our fair-haired friends, this is a blonde joke:

Why did the blonde use "dopeysneezygrumpydocbashfulhappysleepysacramento" as her password?

Because the instructions said it should be at least seven characters and include one capital.  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
Good one Griddlebone, how did you know? Thanks for substituting Sacramento from Richmond  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
It's the red feathers, Joanie. It's the red feathers. They fluster me.  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"  
chloe4321
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Messages: 108 , Offline
Some sweet old lady told me a silly one (but CUTE) at the grocery store yesterday.
WHY DO HUMMINGBIRDS HUM?
BECAUSE THEY FORGOT THE WORDS!

Ha Ha. I think that constitutes a "CLEAN" joke LOL.
Unfortunately, most of my favorites are not so clean but I can have a kind of gross sense of humor.  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly exam and the nurse starts by taking her vitals.
Nurse: How much do you weigh?
Woman: 130 lbs.
Nurse: Ok, step on scale...actually you are 180 lbs.

Nurse: How tall are you?
Woman: 5'4"
Nurse: measuring her, actually you are 5'2"

Nurse taking her blood pressure: Its very high !!!
Woman: Of course its high I came in today tall and slender now I'm short and fat  
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
Nice one, Joanie! One of the few on here that was new to me and actually made me smile.  
Susweka
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Messages: 265 , Offline
joanietreb wrote:A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly exam and the nurse starts by taking her vitals.
Nurse: How much do you weigh?
Woman: 130 lbs.
Nurse: Ok, step on scale...actually you are 180 lbs.

Nurse: How tall are you?
Woman: 5'4"
Nurse: measuring her, actually you are 5'2"

Nurse taking her blood pressure: Its very high !!!
Woman: Of course its high I came in today tall and slender now I'm short and fat


ain't it th truth  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
My name is Alice , and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class 35+ years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm proud to be a Cougar!" he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, clearly trying to match my face with a memory. Then that balding, wrinkle-faced, gray-haired old coot asked, "What class did you teach?"
.  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
Bwaaahaaahaaa
Good one Griddle, i know the feeling...brushing teeth, looking at mirror, wondering who the old coot or cootess got into your home.  
kyleekenzie
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Messages: 1 , Offline
I GOT 2 JOKES
#1 there was a family of tomatoes walking down the street and the little one was way behind so the mom stepped on him and said catch up (ketchup)
#2 a family bought a robot that slapped people when they lied and the little boy was watching porn so the mom asked what he was doing and he said playing video games so the robot slapped him so the kid said really i was playing video games so the robot slapped him again so the kid said ok ok i was watching so the robot didnt slap him so the dad said soni never did that stuff when i was ur age so the robot slapped him  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
Well, I have a diagnosis. I have CDO. That's like OCD but the letters are in the correct alphabetical order!  
Susweka
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Messages: 265 , Offline
Griddlebone wrote:Well, I have a diagnosis. I have CDO. That's like OCD but the letters are in the correct alphabetical order!


haaaaaahahahahahaha now THAT'S funny

& i'd give credit to th guy that i read this from if i could remember who he is~~feel free to stake your claim, i'm not a plagerist, really........ready

If life gives you melons you're probably dyslecsic. well, i think it's funny, anyway~ like th spelling of that word....
 
Susweka
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Messages: 265 , Offline
joanietreb wrote:Bwaaahaaahaaa
Good one Griddle, i know the feeling...brushing teeth, looking at mirror, wondering who the old coot or cootess got into your home.


& when the bathroom mirror, who's bn your faithful friend thru th years, starts reflecting that new image it's time to start showering in th glow of the nightlight  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
If you cross a dyslecsic with an athiest you get a person that doesn't believe in Dogs.  
MontyWB
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Messages: 11 , Offline
If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
Good ones ~ both of you. Looks like NJH has some competition.  
skip517
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Messages: 38 , Offline
Enjoying these.  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
If you spin a chinese person around, do they become disoriented?

No, I tested this theory by watching some salsa dancers!  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
.
Happy Star Wars Day!

-+==+--+==+--+==+--+==+--+==+--+==+--+==+--+==+-

As in: May the Fourth Be With You!
.  
fizzbizz
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Messages: 15 , Offline
Two pretzles were walking down the street one was a salted!!!  
sdeperna79
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Messages: 3 , Offline
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne Wayne go away]  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Fri, 15 Jun 2012 13:25

sdeperna79
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Messages: 3 , Offline
What has legs but cant walk
A Table
 
meme1210085
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Messages: 2 , Offline
emcall wrote:Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday."
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"



Remind you of anyone we all know here at iWin??

joke was awsome
 

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Wed, 18 Jul 2012 18:11

 
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