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What's your favorite CLEAN joke???
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notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
ladies , you are missing the hole point of this photo. allow me to share my perspective .........

being a man who understands the sensativity of women's emotional needs (and desires) i can tell you that this is an expression of the very sensitive and fine line between love and hate. never, ever get caught ........ no ..... never scorn a woman or you'll be put on the wrong side of that line. and she wears "hate" only because she can't look at her shirt without looking in a mirror (to read it properly) did i just say properly? so when she looks in the mirror she sees "love" . shes's never actually seen the word hate cuz they only made one of those, and doesn't realize that other people aren't seeing it in reverse, it was made by "lovestuff" with the cryptic messages (oh thats right you haven't figured it out )., it's deep, very deep, ....the bs i'm giving you that is. which leads me to my joke this is the joke thread ..........................................................

i thought "P.M.S." meant pack my suitcase!


notjusthank

p.s. ....joanie, am i into sewing? real men do ......... sew what! let me ask you, do you have holes in your underwear? no, oh really? then how do you get them on  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Mon, 13 Sep 2010 01:38

notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
i would like to apologize for my comment about the moderators not beinbg able to figure out the message by lovestuff. i was only trying to get them to try and find the non-existant secret message in a mirror , which i KNOW they did. i didn't mean that they are really dumb (but if they fell for the gag?........) . sorry ladies i think you are very intelligent , for a girl anyway (just kidding) .


sincerily,
notjusthank  
joanietreb
[Avatar]
Messages: 540 , Offline
So, you like sowing?

I have to fess up-i did try the mirror  
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 909 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:i would like to apologize for my comment about the moderators not beinbg able to figure out the message by lovestuff. i was only trying to get them to try and find the non-existant secret message in a mirror , which i KNOW they did. i didn't mean that they are really dumb (but if they fell for the gag?........) . sorry ladies i think you are very intelligent , for a girl anyway (just kidding) .


sincerily,
notjusthank


Have to put my (ex) mod hat on to answer that one! I'm smart enough anyway

a) not to have tried looking in the mirror
b) to know how to spell the word 'sincerely'!

(I'm sure Dex and Momaie are too. In fact, they're smart enough to have stayed out of this whole conversation!)  
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
joanie, i'm not "into" sewing, i just know how. and thank you for admitting you looked in the mirror. SOME people hide behind their ability to spell and cast spells. i think i'm under one now, a whammy just like in the Lil' abner movie on sadi hawkins day. but if it makes any difference, Gexgypmom got me on my own gag in a PM! i almost looked myself.

Dinismurf, lets pretend you didn't look in the mirror (but we all knowyou really did) , i know you mentally or on paper, started looking for the encrypted message. and that's enough to convict on.  
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 909 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:
Dinismurf, lets pretend you didn't look in the mirror (but we all knowyou really did)


Smurfs are very truthful little creatures, didn't you know that?  
mamaroj
[Avatar]
Messages: 2 , Offline
there's these two warrior statues, one male, one female, on either side of the gates to a city, and after they've stood there for many, many years, an Angel comes down from Heaven and tells them that they have been two faithful servants of the people to be guarding the city for so long. He then tells them that he is going to give them 30 minutes to experience real life, and with a snap, both of them are alive and kickin. They both stare at each other and then make a mad dash for some nearby bushes. There comes from the bushes all manner of sounds and the bushes are being shaken all over. They finally come out of the bushes all flustered and red-faced and happy, and the Angel, with a shy smile says, "You know, you still have 15 minutes." The statues look at each other and the female statue says "Right on! This time you hold down the pidgeon and]I'LL poop on his head!"  
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 909 , Offline
LOL! Not such a clean joke for the poor pigeon, trying to clean all that poop out of its feathers!  
goldilocks
[Avatar]
Messages: 2 , Offline
"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?" ......."Because it was dead."  
SandChan
[Avatar]
Messages: 284 , Offline
I got some good laughs from the responses on this one.
lovestuff wrote:hi granny how are u , u look happy all day

Anyway...my granny got another traffic ticket.

A police officer stops her for speeding this time and asks her, most politely, if he could see her license.
Granny replies in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday one of you guys took away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you.' The officer said, "well then, I'll just have to give you a ticket, mam." Granny excitedly replied 'Why, how sweet of you young man! -- a ticket to what?'
That's my Granny, gotta luv her.  
emcall
[Avatar]
Messages: 355 , Offline
Funny little video.
 
SandChan
[Avatar]
Messages: 284 , Offline
Now that's my kind of man  
ShayeraHol
[Avatar]
Messages: 341 , Offline
SandChan wrote: Now that's my kind of man


I'll second that!  
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 909 , Offline
Now I'm really intrigued. (The Chinese censors block video clip sites, so all I can see in emcall's post is a big white patch.)

Could somebody explain in words what I'm missing? Or would that spoil the joke?  
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
the video clip is of an old white haired male muppet singing "the man song"

iimagine a rythm like this: 1-2,1-2,1-2,1-2,..1 1-2,1-2,1-2,1-2,...3

now the lyrics ............

I don't take no ****** from anybody
else but you..
I wear the pants around here
....................when i'm finished with your laundry

cuz i'm a guy you don't wanna fight,
when i say "jump", you say "yeah right!"

I'm the man of this house
...............................til you get home.

i can have sex any time
............................you want to.
cuz i' m a man who has needs
..................................but they're not that important.
a man's got to do what a man's got to do
.....................and i'm gonna do what you tell me to
cuz i'm the king of this castle
................................when you're not around.








i missed a few lines but basicly thats it....................your basic peter pan syndrome chick song. .
 

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Tue, 28 Dec 2010 02:10

Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 909 , Offline
Thank you for the interpretation, Hank (and even with musical accompaniment: I'm very impressed).

But where's the joke? Isn't that how all guys think? They just need a woman to be firm with them, strap on that apron and point them in the direction of the kitchen.  
emcall
[Avatar]
Messages: 355 , Offline
Dinismurf wrote:But where's the joke? Isn't that how all guys think? They just need a woman to be firm with them, strap on that apron and point them in the direction of the kitchen.


You're funnier than the video, Dini. I don't know very many guys who would admit to thinking that way, though.

What about you, JH...as a representative for your gender, do you think Dini's statement is accurate?

And in my defense for posting the video..........I am not a man-basher.........

Honest. ------------ I'm not. --------------- I promise.

I just thought it was cute.  
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
i thought it was funny.. and i didn't take it as a man bashing, i was just stirring things up. now where's my apron?


but seriously, (are you kidding) you show me the toughest man and i'll show you a guy that will beg on his knees when he falls in love. i know a guy that hates doing dishes .... everyday, if it will make you happy honey bunch. truth is a man will do anything for the woman he loves (or is trying to love). which brings us to my joke .............................
................................................. what's the best thing in the world?

.......................................... i can't say it here, but i can give you a clue..............the worst thing in the world is that women are in charge of it.

that's how guys think.  
joanietreb
[Avatar]
Messages: 540 , Offline


ok , how do you keep a woman in suspense? ...........................................................................................

..............................................................................................................


Well ladies, what do you think? Should we let Henry in on our little secret?

 
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 909 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:i know a guy that hates doing dishes .... everyday, if it will make you happy honey bunch.


Your woman lets you call her honey bunch?? No wonder you have to do a lot of dishes to make it up to her!  
emcall
[Avatar]
Messages: 355 , Offline
While creating husbands, God promised women that ideal, loving husbands could be found in all corners of the world.

Years later, women learned that the world is round!!  
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
ok, ok what secret? tell me. ............. come on joanie, you actually thought i'd fall for that one? now tell me, i swear, i can keep a secret.

Dinismurf, if you would suggest a better name to call my woman, i'll use it.


 
emcall
[Avatar]
Messages: 355 , Offline
Joanie, Henry's been around here long enough that he may have already figured it out. Whatta ya think?

And, Henry, we're not all Dini, but maybe the other ladies could help you name your woman. But, what woman are we talking about... you have so many, you little stud muffin, you. LOL

( Wonder if I'll get edited for saying stud muffin) If so, sorry Dee and MB.  
joanietreb
[Avatar]
Messages: 540 , Offline
Em, i've shared some of my hubby's antics so you know he is sweet, but even he doesn't know the secret.
Hank, why don't you just call your woman "love of {my} life", in shorthand that would be LOL or LOML.  
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 909 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:ok, ok what secret? tell me. ............. come on joanie, you actually thought i'd fall for that one? now tell me, i swear, i can keep a secret.

Dinismurf, if you would suggest a better name to call my woman, i'll use it.




How about 'she who must be obeyed'?!  
momaie
[Avatar]
Messages: 2477 , Offline
emcall wrote:Joanie, Henry's been around here long enough that he may have already figured it out. Whatta ya think?

And, Henry, we're not all Dini, but maybe the other ladies could help you name your woman. But, what woman are we talking about... you have so many, you little stud muffin, you. LOL

( Wonder if I'll get edited for saying stud muffin) If so, sorry Dee and MB.


I'm going to go with this definition from the Urban Dictionary - "An extremely adorable guy, who doesn't realize how adorable he really is" or maybe this one "Guy that gets the ladies easy, is always fishin' and....likes a muffin every now and then." and let it go...Now if some youngster starts asking his parents what it means and I get comments, I may have to reconsider but for now...

And Dini, I like your suggestion = She Who Must Be Obeyed...has a nice ring to it! ...After 36 years with my guy, I still can't get him to call me that..but he does do the dishes without prompting and cooks too so I guess he just accepts it...
Dee, volunteer moderator
 

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sat, 2 Oct 2010 09:41

notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
"she who must be obeyed" ...........swmbo has a nice ring to it

but some day i'll call her "dame is not insane"


"stud muffin" ........... yeah, ok. kinda macho with a sensative side .... makes you wanna squeeze em when you pass by........... have one for breakfast or an afternoon snack.........yeah, that's me.  
emcall
[Avatar]
Messages: 355 , Offline
Dee---Thanks for the pass. I'll totally understand if the parents come-a-callin' and you have to slap my wrist.

And, Dini, I also think you found the right name. My hubby doesn't call me that, but he does obey without even being told. He'll even vac and do laundry. Pretty good for only 19 years' training, don't ya think.  
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 909 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:
"stud muffin" ........ makes you wanna squeeze em when you pass by........... have one for breakfast or an afternoon snack.........yeah, that's me.


Don't think we have stud muffins in China. (Darn! Another Western decadence our government protects us from.) They sound good though - tasty anytime treats.

So do they come in low-fat varieties, like the regular kind of muffin?  
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
stud muffins are on the negotiations table. President Obama wants some chips from the "raddish chip lady"??? anyway.... stud muffin will be arriving in China very soon. there are the regular kind, no fruits, but they have nu......nevernmind. gotta warn youy they're filling.  
emcall
[Avatar]
Messages: 355 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:stud muffins are on the negotiations table. President Obama wants some chips from the "raddish chip lady"??? anyway.... stud muffin will be arriving in China very soon. there are the regular kind, no fruits, but they have nu......nevernmind. gotta warn youy they're filling.


No, njh, tell me you did not go there with that joke. LMAO You dirty minded little boy. Hope you don't run into any squirrels.
This is supposed to be a CLEAN joke thread. You always push the envelope, don't ya. Just hopeless. Funny, but hopeless.  
Dinismurf
[Avatar]
Messages: 909 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:stud muffins are on the negotiations table.


I have a feeling it might be a breach of international etiquette to go spreading your muffins out on the negotiation table, but maybe you do things differently in America.  
emcall
[Avatar]
Messages: 355 , Offline
Dinismurf wrote:
notjusthank wrote:stud muffins are on the negotiations table.


I have a feeling it might be a breach of international etiquette to go spreading your muffins out on the negotiation table, but maybe you do things differently in America.


Dini.... you are just making it worse. Too hilarious. RIFL

Hey, maybe that's what Obama needs to do next time he meets with Premier Wen or President Hu. Offer up his muffins. Think it would help?  
Breezy197
[Avatar]
Messages: 1 , Offline
it was this boy name shutup and the the plocie said,whats your name and he said shutup then the plocie said no really whats your name and he said shut up and went to jail how said who would name there shutup to be contuie  
SandChan
[Avatar]
Messages: 284 , Offline
There was this guy who was in the Navy during a war. He told a story about a time when his unit was engaged in battle.
He was a Medic.
He said he saw many enemy troops with grenade launchers heading towards them. There were aircraft shells bursting in the sky above them and armoured vehicles were swarming in on them.
He saw a nearby Foxhole and jumped in. With his head down he heard the thunder of the helicopters as they flew by, the exploding grenades and exploding shells; and all sorts of artillery going off. And then he heard a far off voice call out "MEDIC!"......
He yelled back "WHATCHA WANT?"  
suan1
[Avatar]
Messages: 166 , Offline
an old man was playing golf whith his friends when a funeral prosetion went buy.The man took off his hat and held it to his chest as it went by.one of his friends says "oh that was nice of you to be respectful" and the man says"it's the least i could do.we've been married for 50 years." . i couldn't think of any good ones  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Wed, 10 Nov 2010 09:08

emcall
[Avatar]
Messages: 355 , Offline
Hey, suan1.... what do you mean you couldn't think of a good one. I thought it was funny. Made me chuckle. Keep it up.  
FrenchFry130
[Avatar]
Messages: 5 , Offline
hehe, I know a few jokes.


Wanna hear a dirty joke? - a pig jumped in mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? a pig took a shower


A golf club walked into a bar. The bartender asked the golf club if he wanted a drink. But the golf club said "No man i'm a driver!"


okay, trick question.
Q: a plane crashes on a border, so where do you bury the survivors?
A: you don't bury survivors because they are alive!





 
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
i'm a driver! that was great. so was the other golf joke, suan1.

two golfers come to the fifth hole . first golfer hits his ball behind the groundskeeper's shed.
"oh no not that again!" he says, "last time i did that it was terrible. i told my wife to open both front and back doors of the shed and i would have a clear shot at the green. she did. but i shanked it again and hit her on the temple. she died right there on the spot."
"that must have been terrible" says the second golfer.
"you bet it was! for the next 13 holes it was hit the ball, Drag martha. hit the ball, drag martha. worst game i ever played!"  
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
ok......
1.) you have one match, a wood burning stove, and a gas stove.

which do you light first?

i ain't giving the answer so easy.


2.) there are five apples on the table. you take two. how many apples do you have?



3.) if you can make one cigarette from three butts (cigarette butts ...come on!), AND YOU HAVE NINE BUTTS, how many cigarettes can you smoke?


4.) if a certain cell can split into two once a day, and it takes 30 days for the cell population to reach maximum capacity of its test tube, how many days will it take to reach maximum population if you start with two cells instaed of one?

5.) how many grooves on one side of a 33 1/3 RPM LP album...for those of you who don't know an LP is an ancient media format back in the pre MP3 days of the 20th century. in other words, a "vinyl record album". used to play them on a "record player". if you know what i'm talking about , your as old as me. anyway how many grooves?


if you want the answers and just cant wait till tomorrow go to my 4th floor. just give me a minute to tidy up.



 
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
i see, no one could answer correctly.......

here's the answers and explainations

1.) the match . do i need to explain?

2.) you have two. you take two, you have two. three are left.

3.) four cigarettes. you roll up three cigs from 9 butts. smoke em, then make one more from the three butts left.

4.) it takes 29 days if you stasrt with two instead of one. if you start with one, on day two you will have two cells. after that they growth is the same as if you start with two so you save one day . 30 - 1 = 29

5.) one groove. one long spiralling groove. "one long groove baby".

that's it .......no one wanted to play. oh well.  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Mon, 29 Nov 2010 04:56

emcall
[Avatar]
Messages: 355 , Offline
I would have played, NJH, but I was not here. I knew all the answers, though, so I guess it's just as well that I didn't get to play. Would not want to make everyone else feel inadequate for the task. LOL (inflating own ego)

Good quiz, do another one. Wait a minute.... I just realized......
you have time for a quiz??? Where's Miss Blue? You have to take a break?  
prettylittlebrenna
[Avatar]
Messages: 1 , Offline
want to hear a dirty joke ?
a boy falls in the mud
want to hear a clean joke?
he took a bath with bubbles
want to hear a dirty joke?
bubbles was the girl nest door

Font reduced to max 16 point per Forum guidelines; please read the FAQs for guidelines to Forum posts. Thanks! Dee, volunteer moderator  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Fri, 3 Dec 2010 06:31

suan1
[Avatar]
Messages: 166 , Offline
prettylittlebrenna wrote:want to hear a dirty joke ?
a boy falls in the mud
want to hear a clean joke?
he took a bath with bubbles
want to hear a dirty joke?
bubbles was the girl nest door

Font reduced to max 16 point per Forum guidelines; please read the FAQs for guidelines to Forum posts. Thanks! Dee, volunteer moderator
Haha that's funny  
suan1
[Avatar]
Messages: 166 , Offline
A mexican man with brown hair, a chinese man with black hair, and an american man with blonde hair were building a sky scraper.The mexican opens his lunch bag and says"aww man if my wife sends me burritos again i am going to jump of and kill my self."The chinese man opens his lunch and says"aww man if my wife packs rice again i am going to jump of and kill my self"The american guy opens his lunch and says"aww man if my wife sends me hamburgers again i will jump of and kill my self"The next day they all had the same food so they all jump of.The mexicans wife crys"oh why didn't he tell me!? The chinese mans wife crys"if only he had told me! The americans wife says"don't look at me he packs his own lunch" i like that one only they didn't realy say aww man they said a differant thing that i wont say lol  
klcsii
[Avatar]
Messages: 2 , Offline
Why did Tiger look in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!
 

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sat, 4 Dec 2010 16:09

notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
three women on a roof of a burning building, too high for the firemen to reach. they pull out a net and yell "jump!"
the 1st woman jumps. just before she lands on the net the fire men step to the side and she falls to her death.
again they step to their original positions and yell , "JUMP!"
the 2nd one jumps, and again the firemen step to the side. she dies
Again, they assume their positions and yell , "JUMP!"
the 3rd woman yells back, "I'm no dummy! PUT THE NET DOWN FIRST"  
candycane432
[Avatar]
Messages: 6 , Offline
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
can u read between the lines
 

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sun, 5 Dec 2010 18:57

candycane432
[Avatar]
Messages: 6 , Offline
u cant because theres only one  
notjusthank
[Avatar]
Messages: 169 , Offline
there was a man sitting down to have dinner, when a loud knocking was heard at his front door.
somewhat annoyed, he opens the front door and sees no one there.
as he is about to close the door, he hears , "Excuse me sir, may i interest you in some magazine subscriptions?"
to his surprize it is a snail at his doorstep .
without a word, the man angrily kicks the snail off his doorstep and slams the door.

two weeks later the man hears the same loud knocking on his door. once again he opens the door.
he looks down . it's the snail, who says, "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"  
 
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