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What's your favorite CLEAN joke???
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suan1
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Messages: 165 , Offline
klcsii wrote:Why did Tiger look in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!
haha nice one
 
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
Come in !

i love that one! jejejeje  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Mon, 6 Dec 2010 22:11

suan1
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Messages: 165 , Offline
Did you here about the human cannon ball that worked for the circus?He got fired cause he wasn't the right caliber  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
blast it! i thought it was because he was a hot head and kept shooting his mouth off and he missed home.
 
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
No more talk of missing home, NJH. You'll have Joanie worrying about trouble in paradise again!  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
not me! i'm a man of higher caliber. you didn't get the joke ........ he "missed" home ....get it? or was that "over" your head? ok, shutting up now.  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
Paradise is when a wise man knows to shut up.  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
joanietreb wrote:Paradise is when a wise man knows to shut up.


yeah, jtreb, but you left out the most important part. .... he knows when to shut up AND DOES IT!!!

Dini - our sweet, little stud muffin isn't wearing out his welcome, is he? Not that we don't want him back in the states, we just want everyone's muffins to stay happy and warm. Speaking of warm.... what's the temp over there right now? I'm looking at 20degrees Fahrenheit here in West Tennessee. Definitely the type of weather my muffins do not prefer.  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
Wait a minute, I think I've wandered too far from the thread topic. Forgive me... And since I can't think of a joke... I now return you to your regular programming..................Take it away, Hal!  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
Found one.....

While vacationing in Florida, a young blonde woman decided she wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes. After looking in several shops, she realized the prices were way above what she could afford. Determined to go home with alligator shoes from Florida, she decided to go catch an alligator herself, and get those shoes for free!! So she left the last shop and headed to the swamp to do some gator hunting.

Later that day, while driving home, one of the shopkeepers saw a young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, and stopped to help. When he got closer, he realized it was the same blonde woman who had been looking for alligator shoes. She was holding a shotgun and aiming at something in the water.

With lightning reflexes she fired her weapon, grabbed the 9-foot gator, and drug him up on the slippery bank. Nearby, were seven more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper watched in silent amazement as she struggled to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration,
"*Dang*! This one's barefoot, too!"

just a little word substitution there Em....remember the appropriate for all rule... Love the joke by the way! Dee, volunteer moderator


 

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Tue, 14 Dec 2010 14:35

suan1
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Messages: 165 , Offline
haha that is a good one  
suan1
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Messages: 165 , Offline
A blonde lady found a seal and decided to keep it as a pet.She was driving with it in hercar when apoliceman stopped her."Lady",says the policeman,"It's illegal to have a seal in your car.You need to take it to the zoo.Alrightsaid the lady I will".The next day the same police man saw the same lady driving around with the same seal."I thought I told you to take that seal to the zoo!"he yelled"I did". said the lady"Infact he loved so much today we are going to the aquariam". Sorry it's not very good.I kinda am brain dead today.  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
suan1 wrote:A blonde lady found a seal and decided to keep it as a pet.She was driving with it in hercar when apoliceman stopped her."Lady",says the policeman,"It's illegal to have a seal in your car.You need to take it to the zoo.Alrightsaid the lady I will".The next day the same police man saw the same lady driving around with the same seal."I thought I told you to take that seal to the zoo!"he yelled"I did". said the lady"Infact he loved so much today we are going to the aquariam". Sorry it's not very good.I kinda am brain dead today.


That was a good one, you are not brain dead - just blonde sez me, blonde & barefoot  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Wed, 15 Dec 2010 09:45

proxious
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Messages: 3 , Offline
ha ha ha LOL truly hilarious ideed  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
fyi ..... i am lovimg it here. and not wearing out my welcome or wearing anything ..... stud muffins don't need to wear anything .


why do birds fly south for the winter?...................................cuz it's to far to walk.


why do humming birds hum? ..................................................cuz they don't know the words.  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
Gee Henry, when we come to visit-i hope you will at least wear the welcome mat  
DexGypMom
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Messages: 2665 , Offline

I see we're heading into dumb joke territory, so here are my entries.

What do big giraffes have that no other animal has?..............................Little giraffes.

When are chefs mean?...........................................................................When they beat eggs.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?............................Time to get a new one.

All jokes are fresh from The Dr. Suess Riddle Book circa 1962.

••• MaryBeth
 
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
Meditating on dumb jokes, repeat 3 times:

Oh Wa Ta Goo Siam  
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:fyi ..... i am lovimg it here. and not wearing out my welcome or wearing anything ..... stud muffins don't need to wear anything .
quote]

Be careful, NJH. It's getting very chilly here - and warm muffins are much more appealing than cold ones.  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
good one joanie. i thought i heard dinismurf chanting something.
when are you coming? i'll wear my best smile. oooh, i feel a draft..... mybe i'll put on some thermals...... till you arrive.


that reminds me of the hari krishna chant, "icantgettajob icantgettajob icantgettajob ..........."  
Poseidona
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Messages: 13 , Offline
ppineapple wrote:Here is a puzzle here, for a challenge:

Islands
Ambyss
Mountain
Branch
Aero
Canyon
Kangaroo
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you solve it?
HINT: Look at the letters going up to down!


whats it supposed 2 b,iamback??


oh NOW i get it  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Mon, 5 Sep 2011 07:08

Poseidona
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Messages: 13 , Offline
A pregnant lady was driving in a state where your kids had 2 b named within 5 mins of birth.she crashes and a stranger sees she is in labor. he drives her to the hospital & leaves. the lady had adorabe twins-1 boy&girl-, but she was knocked out 4 more than 5 mins.she exclaimed"MY KIDS ARE GONNA B NAMELESS!!!!!" the doctor tells her her brother named them. "omg" she said "hes a practical jokester. whats the girls name?" "Denice" came the reply. "what a nice name"said the lady"maybe he thought it throuh and no funny bussiness. boys name?" "Denephew" came the reply





plz dont insult me, i no its not a good joke  

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at Sat, 5 Mar 2011 18:54

notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
My St. Patrick's Day joke .....................


What's green and lives in the backyard? ..................................



............................................................Patty O' Furniture!

laugh it up! i only get to use this one once (ok many times, but on the same day) a year.  
Susweka
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Messages: 265 , Offline
After telling my hubby a few of the groaners from here he responded with one of his own:
How do you top a truck?
Tep on the brake tupid.  
92marilou
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Messages: 88 , Offline
I heard loads of jokes when I was ill - people trying to cheer me up. Will post as I remember them.

What's red & hurts your teeth?
-
-
-
A brick



What's red & invisible?
-
-
-
No tomatoes

Groan, groan. - Will be back with more!

Mari  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
A three-legged dog walks into a bar in the Old West.

The barkeep glances up and sez with disgust, "Git out, varmint. We don't serve no dogs in here."

"I'm not lookin' for t' wet my whistle," returned the dog. "I'm lookin' for the man what shot my paw."  
MHopkins1
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Messages: 1 , Offline
Two muffins were in the oven.

The first muffin says "it's hot in here"!

The second one said "look, a talking muffin"!  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
LOOK! it's almost "Cinco de Mayo" ..... that's May 5th for those of you who don't speak the espan~ol.

Being Mexican-American i will share with you some humor which is CLEAN and if I, a hispanic, can't laugh at myself ..... then I'll laugh at somebody else.
But seriously (yeah right!) here are my "Cinco de Mayo" yokes (ok if you are paying attention that was the 4th and this is the 5th yoke)

what do you call four mexicans in quicksand?........................ Quatro Cincos!

did you hear about the mexican twins? hose A and hose B

What do cue balls and mexicans have in common? ................ the harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them!

To all my Hispanic Compas: si no podemos reirnos de nosotros mismos, que pues? Ahora, Salud Amor y pesetas! feliz Cinco de Mayo! VIVA MEXICO!


 
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
Well, you have the 'salud' and 'amor' pretty much sewn up, NJH. Now you just have to hope for an influx of pesetas!  
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
And a villa in Spain, since they use pesos in Mexico. *rimshot*

Or a villa in Spain, just because!  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
Dinismurf wrote:Well, you have the 'salud' and 'amor' pretty much sewn up, NJH. Now you just have to hope for an influx of pesetas!


Hey, H..... Who needs pesetas when you have opals?

And just out of curiosity..... what is the Chinese monetary equiv. of pesetas???  
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
emcall wrote:And just out of curiosity..... what is the Chinese monetary equiv. of pesetas???


RMB (literally 'the currency of the people'... not that the little people get that much currency these days, but it's a nice thought).  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
i really like it when everyone thinks i've made a mistake .... but i didn't!

FYI ................ In Mexico, one Peseta is one quarter of a peso, simular to a U.S. quarter, $0.25 (but not equal in value of course)

the Chinese equivalent would not be one RMB ....... it would be 0.25 RMB (0.25 Yuan) or 2.5 Jiao .......

"he who laughs last ....... you know the rest!"


I 'm loving it now .......
oh yeah a joke ................... a mexican joke (it's Cinco de Mayo!)

why do Mexicans eat "tamales" on Christmas day? ................................... So they will have something to unwrap for Christmas!

last one .................

why didn't Mexico send an Olympic team when the games were in America?

...because anyone who could run, jump, or swim had already made it across the border.

Ok that's it till next year. .......HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO! VIVA MEXICO! QUE VIVA!  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Wed, 4 May 2011 11:21

emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:i really like it when everyone thinks i've made a mistake .... but i didn't!


Who thinks you made a mistake, H? I was asking a genuine question, and you and Dini answered it just perfectly. Just don't make me take a quiz later.

Cute jokes, too.
 
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
Oh, he was talking about me, Em.  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
Griddlebone wrote:Oh, he was talking about me, Em.


Oh, ok, Grid. I just missed that one.  
joanietreb
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Messages: 538 , Offline
What is the sound of one RMB? Is it like one hand clapping?  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
one RMB sounds more like ................"Ching!"  
Dinismurf
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Messages: 906 , Offline
notjusthank wrote:one RMB sounds more like ................"Ching!"


Or 'rustle': they can be coins or notes, hearkening back to the days when one or two RMB would buy something worth having, like lunch.
 
suan1
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Messages: 165 , Offline
This joke is kinda lame

Two burgerlers were robbing and apartment when they heard the owner coming.They didn't have any time to safely escape.
Robber #1-hurry jump out the window!
Robber #2-are you crazy!We're on the 13th floor!
Robber #1This is no time to be super stitious!  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
I hope this joke is ok ......................

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey! jackass, gimme a beer!"
the bartender does and says nothing.
the guy has three more beers, each time repeating the same thing. He finishes his last beer and slaps his money down saying, "hey! jackass, here's the money."\
A second guy, who has been observing the whole time, asks the bartender, " Why do you let him call you that and say nothing?"
the bartender replies, " Ah he ah ... ah he ah ... he always calls me that."  
pl4eva
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Messages: 1 , Offline
This is a redneck joke.If anyone finds it offensive please tell me so I won't post them anymore.
"You know you are a redneck when you mow your lawn and find your car."


 
Griddlebone
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Messages: 602 , Offline
I can tell redneck pilot jokes until the cows come home.

"You know you're a redneck pilot when you install a gun rack in your Cessna."

"You know you're a redneck pilot when you've been flying for 25 years and have yet to land on a paved runway."

Or Alaskan pilot jokes:

"You know you're an Alaskan pilot when you've been flying cargo for 20 years and start to think about maybe getting a license."

(Most Alaskan pilot jokes are about flying without official sanction from the FAA, or flying by visual flight rules in less than visual flight conditions, or flying overweight which to some extent is legal in Alaska as planes can legally fly with heavier loads there - bonus science points if you know why.)

I know a bunch of helicopter jokes but most of them are not suitable for a family forum. But there's always:

"Helicopters can't fly. They're just so ugly the Earth repels them."  
emcall
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Messages: 352 , Offline
Oldie, but still cute.

Adam blamed it on Eve....
Eve blamed it on the snake....
And the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.  
notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
first words Adam said to Eve


"Stand back, i don't know how big this thing gets!"  
debz67
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Messages: 22 , Offline
police are looking the man weho killed captin crunch,snap crackle & pop & the honey monster....... leads suggest he could be a cereal killer LOL  
debz67
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Messages: 22 , Offline
what do you call a girl with a chiney on her head???? Ruth!!!!!!
why didnt the skeleton go to the prom ??? cause he had no body to go with!!!! Whats a cats favourite breakfast cereal??? Mice Krispies!!!!!  
debz67
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Messages: 22 , Offline
What did the big Chimney say to the little Chimney????????????? Your too young to smoke !!!!!!
 

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Fri, 20 Apr 2012 16:46

debz67
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Messages: 22 , Offline
Why cant you find any Asprin in the jungle???
cause the parrots eat em all(do u get it paracetamol LOL)OMG I get worse i think i need pyhchiatric help
 

This message was edited 4 times. Last update was at Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:00

notjusthank
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Messages: 168 , Offline
Did you hear about Mikey (the kid in the "mikey likes it" commercials) he died!

seems he ran out of life.

another death of a famous guy .......... the guy who wrote the "Hokey Pokey" song, he died. took eight hours to bury him.

they put his right foot in, they pulled his right foot out ....


and finally ..........

the last survivor from the Titanic died last week ...... she was "this close" from making it to shore!  

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at Sat, 11 Jun 2011 05:59

 
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